Skill Guide: Setting Effective Limits

In an attempt to regain control parents will often threaten, bribe or emotionally manipulate their children. While this sounds bad, it’s just the result of not yet knowing an effective way to consistently set limits. Follow the steps below and feel liberated from being responsible for your child’s behaviour.

Key Point: when you are setting a limit be calm. This is the hardest part. If you can communicate the limit neutrally, your child will have the opportunity to choose the outcome of their behaviour. It is not you taking the toy off them, it is them choosing for the toy to be put away.

Benefits of setting effective limits:

• Gives your child the opportunity to practice self-control and regulation

• Child is responsible for their choice and behaviours

• Child learns that their choices have consequences

We use the acronym ACT when setting a limit.

A – Acknowledge the feeling/intent of your child.

C- Communicate the Limit

T – Target an acceptable Alternative

Examples:

·  Your enjoying throwing the ball. (C)Balls are not for throwing inside. (T)You can choose to throw the ball outside.

·  Your disappointed I said no to lollies. (C)Lollies are not what we are buying today. (C)You can choose a yoghurt instead.

Important notes;

·        If the child is already doing the behaviour you can jump to the limit (C) and then go back and do the complete ACT process

·        Limits are best communicated in the ‘A is not for B’ or ‘C is for D’ format e.g.  ‘pens are not for throwing’ or ‘pens are for paper’

·        Children need lots of practice making choices – be calm and neutral

Ultimate limits

When ACT is not successful (after repeating 3x) move to an ultimate limit.

This is usually in the form of an If, Then choice for the child,

Examples;

·        You’re enjoying throwing the ball. Balls are not for throwing inside. If you choose to throw the ball inside, then you choose for the ball to be put away

·        You think it’s fun to hit your brother. People are not for hitting. If you choose to hit your brother, then you choose not to watch tv at rest time.

·        You love to draw. Walls are not for drawing on. If you choose to keep drawing, then you choose for the pencils to be put away

Important notes for Ultimate Limit Setting;

·        Say back to the child the choice they have made. Acknowledge the decision “ you choose not to have TV at rest time.”

·        Follow-through is crucial. If you do not follow-through you teach them the choices you give them are meaningless.

·        The goal is for the child to self-correct.

·        Always offer the chance to make a different choice next time.

·        When a child becomes upset with their choice you can say “you wish you had chosen differently, you can try again later/tomorrow”

·        Reflect feelings with empathy and understanding to avoid power struggles.

References:

• Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

• Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley.

• Landreth, G. L. (2002). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.

• VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.