Skill Guide: Encouragement Over Praise

Encourage your child’s effort, show your confidence in them and focus on their contributions.

This is one of the most challenging skills to grasp.

We all believe our children are amazing, clever, and doing a "great job," but this kind of praise can actually impact their development of resilience and shape how they view themselves and their achievements in the long term.

If children are rewarded every time they attempt, complete, or achieve something—whether through verbal praise or external rewards like stickers—they learn to seek validation from others rather than developing internal motivation. As adults they may become so concerned with others' opinions and inadvertently seeking approval from others that they never learn to follow their own path.

By acknowledging effort instead of praising the outcome, we give our children the gift of genuine self-esteem, which will serve them well throughout their lives. We want our children to be resilient against peer pressure and to work hard at something they care about, motivated by the self-satisfaction that comes from learning and persevering, not by external validation and rewards.

Why Encourage?

• Build self-esteem, confidence, motivation, and self-worth

• Help children accept their shortcomings and learn from mistakes

• Show appreciation for their contributions

• Develop persistence, determination, and problem-solving skills

How to Encourage

Encouragement is all about focusing on effort and can it can always be given.

Phrases that recognize effort:

• "You did it!" and "You worked really hard on that" = recognising effort

• "You figured it out!" = recognising perseverance

• "That was thoughtful/helpful" = recognising contribution

Worried About Not Giving Enough Praise?

Have no fear! Your child will receive plenty of superficial praise from others in their lives. What they really need is meaningful encouragement that helps them feel good about themselves regardless of their performance or behaviours.

References:

Bratton, S. C., Landreth, G. L., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S. R. (2006). Child parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: A 10-session filial therapy model for training parents. Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group.

Cochran, N., Nordling, W., & Cochran, J. (2010). Child-Centered Play Therapy (1st ed.). Wiley.
VanFleet, R., Sywulak, A. E., & Sniscak, C. C. (2010). Child-centered play therapy. Guilford Press.
Landreth, G. L. (2002). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.